What to do you when you feel smothered in a relationship

My three youngest children often play together for several minutes; sometimes hours. Day in and day out, they find shared games and discover common interests. The past 18 months have seen them spend more time on Roblox — a global online gaming platform. They have even begun to explore creating their own games. Besides the occasional squabbles, it has been somewhat intriguing seeing them play and work together.

This day, my daughter, Claire, comes to me crying. She reported that her immediate elder, Richard would not let her be. It was her turn to play a game and he was literally breathing down her neck, critically observing and correcting her every move. I called Richard and asked him to please let his sister be. “She is capable of playing the game without your help”, I said, but he insisted that he did not want to risk her losing. He is a very competitive person so it was tough intervening and explaining to him that it was okay to lose a few times and that she would get better with time. I also explained to Claire that Richard was only looking out for her because of how much he loves her but she wasn’t having it.

I recall a time in University. It was my birthday and I had friends visit me and bring gifts. This one person who had frankly been disturbing me also came with a gift. His was different. Besides the unique way it was wrapped, I opened it to find photos of himself. He had sent me about fifteen printed photographs of himself. I felt that was ridiculous of him and I told him so. I returned not just the photos but the gifts as well.

How often have we felt somewhat suffocated by those who love us? Do we smother our loved ones too?

So what should you do when you feel smothered in a relationship?

My Reflections:

• Love is such a beautiful thing and should never feel like a burden. Being able to share love with another human being is an experience that not everyone gets to have.
• It is okay to desire closeness and possibly want more from our respective relationships but we must be careful not to be a source of overwhelm to those we love. We must be intentional to respect the boundaries of others.
• When you feel smothered, like my daughter, it is okay to acknowledge and communicate how you’re feeling. However, you should do so in such a manner that addresses your need and reservations. Like me, do not highlight the supposed wrongdoing of the other person, bearing in mind that the person is doing so with good intentions. This is tough but can be done.
• Constantly work at improving on your previous self. Being deliberate allows you to pick up on cues and non-verbal prompts which help you to note when you’re beginning to suffocate a loved one.
• Pull Back. This is not aimed at severing a relationship but at affording the other party some personal space.
• Check yourself. Make sure you’re not being overly critical. What precisely is making you feel uncomfortable? Deal with your own demons.
• Do not take feedback personally. It is great to have someone tell you that they require a breather. Communicating it to you with a sense of regard or respect is great but even if they do not find the right words nor find the best way of showing their displeasure, it is in your best interest to look beyond the ‘how’, to the ‘what’. Review the message or urgent plea for their boundaries and respect that. Often times, in a short space of time, you’ll reconnect again at a possible deeper level.
• Value your relationships. Value yourself.

Does this post resonate with you in any way? Has any of your interactions been strained because of how poorly you handled a suffocating relationship? Make a conscious effort today to articulate why you felt the way you did. Confront your thoughts. Challenge yourself and do better going forward.

Want to share or talk about it, I’ll listen to you.